oh, sweet casey boy.
i’ve thought to myself time and time again over the years that i never ever wanted to live in a world without him. and yet… here i am.
the last two weeks have been just plain heartbreaking, from discovering that casey really wasn’t doing well… to spending as much time with him as possible, despite the rest of life continuing, conveniently or not… to hearing his sweet knicker here and there when he’d catch sight of me, then watching him watch me as we spent time outside… to finally trying to tell my baby girl that we didn’t have much longer with our boy and watching her precious heart shatter into pieces… to leaving my babies at home to rub my face in his beautiful, soft fur one last time… he smelled so good that morning. so so good. i never want to forget that smell.
the relationship you have with a horse can be hard to understand or relate to, i think, unless you’ve experienced it for yourself. it’s not like a dog. it’s not like a human. i think most horse people would agree that often it’s better than either of those! [i’m probably kinda half kidding, of course! ;)] horses have such incredible spirits. they’re magnificent creatures that carry this natural power and beauty about them and crave connection and relationships. they’re just… the best. and i picked up on that pretty quickly as a 9 year old. the feeling of being a little girl who wanted nothing more than a horse of her very own is still so fresh in my memory. i cried and i cried and i wished and i prayed, because i needed a horse to love and ride and care for. and once i had him… gosh. my casey! my very own casey! i’ve been crazy about him ever since.
he took such good care of a nervous but fearless little girl just learning to ride and jump and compete. he endured sweat and injuries and emotional girl tantrums. we went to parks, to shows, to lexington a time or two. my parents and i still laugh at the memory of us nervously trying to load him into the trailer at the crack of dawn before a show, but he thought he’d take off down the street, right through a bunch of people’s yards instead. 🙂 he even came to overnight camp with me when we were both 11 where we shared a moment i’ll never forget: one afternoon as we rode along through the woods, following our camp leaders, we were led right into a pond where the horses had to pick up their feet and swim… with us on their backs! it was incredible. casey knew just what to do, and he loved it.
and through it all, he taught me so much… about responsibility and communication and dedication and patience and love and cooperation and everything that matters, really.
time went on, and eventually, i made my way to college, to marriage, to motherhood… but still, there was nothing like our leisurely strolls around the farm together. or hopping on bareback in the middle of the field and letting him take me wherever. or just sitting on the ground, soaking in the sounds of nature while he munched on an extra green patch of grass. he always got so jealous if i ever pulled up other horses! so i rarely did. and when he was tired, i loved rubbing those soft little spots above his eyes that would make him dose off with his big heavy head on my shoulder.
and oh, i can’t even count the number of times i’ve run to his big, warm shoulder solidly for comfort. the age, the year, the issue, that all varied – but the solution was the same. drop everything and run [in more recent years, drive and then run!] out to the pasture. often my mother could hear me sobbing all the way up at the house, but she knew casey was my best therapy. his dusty smell. his warm neck to rest my head on. that soft little cheek spot i loved always to smooch that made him suck his cheeks in!
my casey has always been there. waiting for me. ready for me to run out to him any time i had a chance. happily eating his grass. watching the train go by with the other boys. my sweet, steady casey. but just as gently and gentlemanly as he entered my life, filling my 10 year old heart with pure joy, my eyes with excitement… he made his exit. 19 years later. same heart breaking, same eyes brimming with sadness and utter disbelief. without that big, fuzzy shoulder that fixes it all. my quiet, steady support system gone. it still just flat out hurts to think about.
some might call it the end of a chapter, but to me it’s the end of a story. a story about a girl whose life was made complete by the love of a handsome chestnut gelding. the best story i ever could have asked for. he is so much of what shaped my whole being, and i will miss him until the day i set foot on my heavenly plantation… and there he will be, waiting for me, as always.
thank you so much for such a wonderful life, my beautiful casey boy! you made not just one, but two little girls feel like the luckiest in the world, and you spoiled our whole family absolutely rotten. we love you always. <3
…i’ll find you in the morning sun, and when the night is new, i’ll be looking at the moon… but i’ll be seeing you.
well, i'm crying. thinking of you and your beautiful guy.
thank you so so much!
This was so touching and I couldn't help but tear up at work. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Anyone following your blog can tell just how special your relationship has been with him throughout the years! Hugs and prayers!
oh thank you so much. he's been one of the very best parts of my whole life. i know i've been a lucky girl to have him all these years!
I'm just so teary eyed reading this. i am so sorry sweet friend. i know the loss of casey is so tough for you. these pictures are just beautiful! you two had such a special relationship! i am so glad i got to meet him!! sending you a big hug!
thank you my sweet friend! i will always love my memories of scarlett and maddalena as such little girls by the horse pasture. <3 love you!
ok i'm crying and heart broken for you. I am so so sorry britt. I'm praying for you. love you.
thank you, love! i am so grateful for your friendship. <3
Oh my goodness, I am crying reading this. My heart hurts for you!! I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you during this difficult time. I've always admired all of the posts with Casey and your children – so special to have those memories! What a wonderful tribute!!
aw thank you for those sweet words! it's been an emotional time, for sure. but i am so grateful for such a good life with him!!
So beautifully written…I am in tears at my desk. My heart aches for you, I am so sorry for your loss.
oh, thank you so much for those sweet words. i've been so lucky to have shared so many years with him.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I grew up with a beautiful Palomino named Sonny, and his loss struck me right in the heart and soul. I feel your pain and your words are so beautiful, bringing me back to my days with Sonny. I am crying with you, literally, and hope that you can find solace in Casey being in heaven, full of rolling green fields and other beautiful souls to play and run with him.
oh gosh, thank you so much for sharing. you totally relate. i am sorry for your loss, as well. i can't picture a heaven that doesn't have my boy in it, and i am so loving that beautiful image!! xoxo
Oh friend so many tears reading this. I am so sorry. How lucky you and Casey were to have each other. Praying for comfort and peace for you in the hard days ahead <3
thank you, beauty! i appreciate it so so very much.
This was a beautiful post!! Prayers and virtual hugs for you, friend. xo
oh thank you SO much. your kind words and virtual hugs mean a lot. <3
Oh no brittany!!! I am so so sorry for your loss! Oh such a lovely life you two had together! My heart breaks for you guys. So many special memories captured here that I am sure you will cherish forever. So so very sad.
thank you so so so much! yes so many special memories i could fill 8 blogs full with. 🙂 i've been a lucky girl!
these make me cry! I am so sorry again my sweet friend… though I love your attitude and outlook and grateful heart! I wished on every single birthday cake for a horse and I still do. I am so glad you got yours and that he was a dream come true in every way. love you!!!
oh thank you so much for all the love, lady! i am grateful for you!!!! and my mom was like you – she wished her whole life for a horse and finally had a daughter who insisted it become reality. 🙂 🙂 plant that seed with gracie girl and you're one step closer!! love you, friend.
Ohh no! So sorry to hear this. I have been following your blog for quite sometime and know how much he meant to you! You will be in my thoughts! Hoping you find peace and comfort in the next few days!
thank you, melissa!! i appreciate that so so very much. <3
Gosh, never met you but love your blog. And, for some reason I've been worried that the days were numbered with your boy. I had a horse as a child, not as an adult. I have my precious, loved dogs now. My heart aches for you. I shed some tears looking at your beautiful pics and reading your heart-felt words. Yes, heaven holds our dear, loved pets……prayers for you and your family. I know you must hurt so much.
oh, thank you so much for your words! it's not easy to be an animal lover and then have to face that kind of loss, but goodness, they bring so much joy!
Look at all these beautiful memories! You can see how much he was loved and cherished in these photos Brittany, such beautiful words here too. My love to you and your family.
oh thank you so much, bruna!!!
These pictures are gorgeous but I'm so sorry to hear this at the same time! 🙁
thank you so much, lady! i am so so thankful to have so many of our wonderful memories captured. <3
oh I'm crying. I'm so sorry for your loss! This brought me right back to losing my Frosty. I agree, there's nothing like a relationship with your horse! They're such noble, loyal souls. It's been 7 years since I lost my boy and I still think about him every day, and I can still feel his coat from the last time I hugged him. I still ride and love horses and you will too, but nothing can replace that first love!
thank you for your sweet words! i am thankful that you can relate, but i am sorry for your loss, as well. i am sure even after 7 years you can still feel like you were together just yesterday! heartbreaking and encouraging at the same time. i hope i never forget all his little details.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. This made me cry! I have loved reading about how you loved him, over the years. Thinking of you as you grieve and heal.
thank you so so very much! i really appreciate your words. xoxo