i love life. i think i’ve said that literally probably a million times in the last decade. and these days, i truly get it when my husband points out to me that my job, though unpaid in a monetary sense, is enviably fulfilling. i agree. i absolutely love it. my babies make me smile and laugh every single day, far outweighing [aaaallllll all all all] the tough moments. i’m constantly amazed by them, and every day i think about how lucky i am to open my eyes in the morning and have the life i have… particularly compared to what goes on in much of the world!
however, i’m nothing but a regular [if not completely underwhelming] little human, and when i get bogged down, i start to really feel like i spend most of my days working hard at things that never seem to add up to enough. lately, my heart longs for parts of life that i just don’t have right now… many of my cups feel rather empty… and i know i’m blessed! there’s just a certain weariness of the soul that i’ve been unable to shake. something my beloved morning coffee doesn’t quite touch. [okay, touches a little. ily, coffee. thanks for filling my cup in the warmest, most literal sense!] i’m restless. i’m tired. i already know i’m failing at like, everything without anyone having to tell me. and i’m totally dreading the many little parts of life that will only get harder from here. dreading! plus, there’s nothing like watching your tiny humans grow to show you just how waaaay too quickly time is going by…
still, life! it’s good! the sun shines! keep that smile going! face up to the warm sky, focus on the day! but inevitably, by the end, i’m weary. i’m lonely. i pray. and maybe that’s why i give in to defeat. i’m always trying to fix things myself, i’m always trying to control the scenario, i struggle to be my own problem solver as well as everyone else’s… but when i realize that’s no good, i pray. and pray. and pray more.
“the Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.”
“be still and know that i am God.”
…i had no idea how to apply these verses to my life when they came to me recently! i’m not usually one to claim a verse “came” to me, either, but i was having a receptive moment and i guess God was like “imma leave these right here.” [bc that’s how one might say, “here’s something interesting” in 2017]. so, be still. be still? first of all, GOD, i’m pretty sure that’s not how you made me. but okay. literally? metaphorically? be quiet? think less? stop doing things? stop wanting to do things? stop trying to figure everything out and just stop or what? WHAT????
maybe that doesn’t sound like stillness. nope. not quite. F for effort. but hello!! it’s like paul rudd teaching jason segal how to surf: “the less you do… the more you do. let’s see you pop up. pop it up! that’s not it at all. do less. get down. try less. do it again. pop up. nope, too slow, do less. pop up. pop up. you’re doing too much, pop up. less, pop down. pop up now. stop. get down. get down there. remember, don’t do anything. NOTHING. pop up.” [THE BEST. gah, i love that movie.]
there are a million things i want to do in a day, yet somehow i am constantly just stuck in a cycle made up of what i have to do, with a lingering list of what else needs to be done, and 1 million things circulating around my silly little mind… and all the while, it seems i’m getting nowhere! like a hamster on a wheel. a little brittany hamster. with ridiculous hamster hair. then i’ll remember all the great life things i must be missing out on when i get distracted by all the life carrots that dangle ahead of me. life is short, the days are long, distance is far, frustrations are many, but life is short, don’t worry, but do everything. wait, now do less.
i’ll be honest, 2016 had some rough times… which shifted right on into what’s been a dang dreary 2017, though thankfully dotted with a handful of extremely appreciated positive moments! i feel like, while i have never been a naturally carefree person, i do have a pretty joyful, life-savoring perspective day-to-day… which is a lot due to the fact that i want to prioritize those things. i want to make the best of life. i want to cherish the little things, not just wait for the big. i want to let go of the negative stuff, and encourage positive habits and uplifting interactions in our home. i want less stress and fewer wrinkles as i go, more photos of good times. i make a decision to do these things, to love these things, and i work at them!
however, not all times in life cater to this, and i get that. happiness is a really awesome side effect of living well, but different seasons come and go… lessons are learned. wisdom is gained. you work at it, plow on through, and hope you’ve sewn some good ole stuff to reap one day. you see that other people have their own struggles, too… and in the end, it’s appreciation that gets you through and joy that circles you back around to your old friend happiness.
through ups and downs, i tend to think, “press on! i always come out okay!” but then one day i realized i didn’t actually see myself bounce back quite the same way. “this is it! i’ve finally cracked!” i thought. but crack all you want, it changes nothing, really, except that it’s harder to care about making your bed in the morning and finishing the dishes at night. and it’s just become all too crystal clear to me, anyway, that whether you’ve gone through your days miserable or thrilled… one decade, two decades, three decades can and will go by in a flash, and you better hope you’ve made the best of them.
you need only be still. His burden is light, yes? okay. be still! perhaps i’ll start by realizing that i can’t fix everything myself… but i can be patient and see what God does.
as we know, man plans and God laughs. hopefully it’s a nice, warm santa claus type of knowing and comforting chuckle! but either way, it looks like i’m just floating down the river of life, hoping for more of an “enjoy the ride” situation with less of the whole “without a paddle” scenario.
so anyway!! before i get back to my usual enjoyments here in this little spot [my favorite spot! blogs forever!!!] i’m just being still for a sec. resetting a bit. i can already see our fall calendar filling in a really adultish kind of way that gives me heart palpitations, so… a glass of red with that stillness, please!!
if you’re here, i love you!!! thank you. and sorry for the word vomit.
BRB + LYLAS 😉
[and yes, my crazy slouchy denim shorts are still my FAV. wearing. them. every. day. i was literally thinking yesterday about how long i can potentially wear them as the season changes before my legs get too cold. and then i pictured myself just cuddling with them at night, because that’s how much i love them.]
[oh, remember that book, are you there God, it’s me margaret? haha! my mom gave it to me when i was little! such a classic.]